The Mammoth Book of Losers Read online

  Karl Shaw has worked as a journalist, in advertising and in marketing. His books include Royal Babylon: The Alarming History of European Royalty; 5 People Who Died During Sex: and 100 Other Terribly Tasteless Lists; Curing Hiccups With Small Fires: A Delightful Miscellany of Great British Eccentrics; and 10 Ways to Recycle a Corpse.

  Recent Mammoth Titles

  The Mammoth Book of Undercover Cops

  The Mammoth Book of Antarctic Journeys

  The Mammoth Book of Muhammad Ali

  The Mammoth Book of Best British Crime 9

  The Mammoth Book of Conspiracies

  The Mammoth Book of Lost Symbols

  The Mammoth Book of Body Horror

  The Mammoth Book of Steampunk

  The Mammoth Book of New CSI

  The Mammoth Book of Gangs

  The Mammoth Book of One-Liners

  The Mammoth Book of Ghost Romance

  The Mammoth Book of Best New SF 25

  The Mammoth Book of Horror 23

  The Mammoth Book of Slasher Movies

  The Mammoth Book of Street Art

  The Mammoth Book of Ghost Stories by Women

  The Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica 12

  The Mammoth Book of Unexplained Phenomena

  The Mammoth Book of Futuristic Romance

  The Mammoth Book of Best British Crime 10

  The Mammoth Book of Combat

  The Mammoth Book of Erotic Quickies

  The Mammoth Book of Dark Magic

  The Mammoth Book of Zombies

  The Mammoth Book of The Lost Chronicles of Sherlock Holmes

  The Mammoth Book of the World Cup

  THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF

  Losers

  Karl Shaw

  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  55–56 Russell Square

  London WC1B 4HP

  www.constablerobinson.com

  First published in the UK by Robinson,

  an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd, 2014

  Copyright © Karl Shaw, 2014

  The right of Karl Shaw to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.

  In the US, extract from the “The Lion and the Unicorn” from The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell, Volume II: My Country Right or Left, 1940–1943. Copyright © 1968 Sonia Brownell Orwell and renewed by Mark Hamilton. Used by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.

  In the UK, “The Lion and the Unicorn” by George Orwell (Copyright © George Orwell, 1941). Reprinted by permission of Bill Hamilton as the Literary Executor of the Estate of the Late Sonia Brownell Orwell.

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication

  Data is available from the British Library

  UK ISBN: 978-1-78033-830-9 (paperback)

  UK ISBN: 978-1-78033-831-6 (ebook)

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  Printed and bound in the UK

  “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit.

  No use being a damn fool about it.”

  W. C. Fields

  Contents

  Introduction

  1 How the West Was Lost: Misadventures in Exploration

  Worst Attempt to Make a Name as a Great Explorer

  Shortest Space Programme

  Least Successful Bonding Exercise

  Least Successful Hunting Party

  Least Successful Attempt to Cross Australia

  Least Successful Expedition by Camel

  Most People Lost While Searching for a Lost Expedition

  Least Successful Transatlantic Crossing by Aeroplane

  Worst Attempt to Found a Colonial Empire

  Least Successful Arctic Rescue Mission

  Fool’s Gold

  Least Observant Explorer

  Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range

  Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range: Runner-Up

  Least Successful Balloon Trip

  Least Successful Surveyor

  Most Futile Attempt to Find a Lost Tribe

  Least Convincing Denial over Eating One’s Crew

  Worst Survival Skills

  Most Predictable Outcome of Plucky British Amateurism

  Most People Lost While Looking for a Lost City

  Cosmic Martyrs

  Worst Attempt to Climb Mount Everest

  2 Standing on the Shoulders of Midgets: Scientific Losers

  Least Accurate Scientific Textbook

  Least Accurate Attempt to Date the Earth

  “Hard Luck” Scheele

  Most Accident-Prone Astronomer

  Least Successful Horoscope

  Least Comprehensible Scientific Paper

  The Wrong Chemistry

  Most Failed Attempts to be Named in a Scientific Textbook

  Least Convincing Attempt to Prove God’s Work in All Its Glory

  Most Pointless Lines of Research by Someone Who Should Have Known Better

  Second-Most Pointless Lines of Research by People Who Should Have Known Better

  The Man Who Discovered the N-Ray

  Least Successful Weatherman

  The Nearly Man of Computing

  The Evolutionist Who Wasn’t Darwin

  Worst Science Pundit

  Most Convincing Surrender to Newton’s Law of Gravity

  The Forgotten Man of Forensics

  Most Successful Attempt to Destroy a Reputation as a Great Scientist

  Most Prolific Inventor of Things that Should Never Have Got Off the Drawing Board

  3 Who Dares Loses: Business Blunders, Bankrupts and Brand Disasters

  Most Flawed Get-Rich-Quick Scheme

  Worst Follow-Up to a Great Idea

  Best Get-Poor-Quick Scheme

  Most Expensive Failure to Spot a Lemon

  Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement

  Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement: Runner-Up

  Least Credible Economic Growth Plan

  Biggest Business Boob

  Least Credible Self-Improvement Guide

  Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name

  Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name: Runner-Up

  Least Successful Trade Minister

  The Real Thing

  Quickest Route to Financial Suicide

  Least Consumer-Friendly Product

  Least Successful Branding: the Main Contenders

  You’re Never Alone in a Cancer Ward

  Least Convincing Tourist Campaigns

  Most Expensive Typo

  Most Failed Attempts to Turn a Great Idea into a Profitable Business

  4 Defeat from the Jaws of Victory: Great Military Losers

  Most Underachieving Invasion Force

  The (War) Elephant in the Room

  Bravest Attempt to Defeat an Enemy with a Tin of Biscuits

  King Harold: Runner-Up at Hastings

  Worst Military Decision

  Least Intimidating Declaration of War

  Most Underperforming Battleship

  Worst Military Aircraft

  Most Literal Taste of Defeat

  Least Convincing Excuse for a War

  Most Futile Display of Bravery

  Least Successful Espionage M
ission

  Worst Expeditionary Force

  Unluckiest Invasion Fleet

  Least Successful Tactical Withdrawal

  Quickest Surrender

  Most Pointless Cavalry Charge

  Longest War Without Anyone Getting Hurt

  Most Clueless US Commander

  Most Embarrassing Friendly Fire Incident

  Most Disastrous Lack of Strategy

  Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure

  Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure: Runner-Up

  Most Useless British General

  Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex

  Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex: Runner-Up

  Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 1

  Least Effective Attempt to Create a Good First Impression

  Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 2

  Least Convincing Weapon of Mass Destruction

  Most Prolific Inventor of Completely Useless Military Gadgets

  Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 3

  Most Flawed Use of Pets as Anti-Tank Devices

  5 From Bard to Worse: Losers in Art and Entertainment

  Hot Doggerel: the World’s Worst Poet

  Rubbish by Royal Appointment: Worst Poet Laureate

  Worst Poetic Tribute to a Root Vegetable

  The Ode Less Travelled

  Least Successful Attempt to Spot a Great Writing Talent

  Worst Published Author of Pulp Fiction

  Least Perceptive Creator of Character with Superhuman Powers of Perception

  Most Pointless Literary Hoax

  Worst Published Author

  Most Pointless Work of Literature

  Worst Science-Fiction Writer

  Most Non-PC Travel Guide

  Worst Foreign Language Phrasebook

  Worst Stage Actor

  “Is This a Banana Skin I See Before Me?” Most Accident-Prone Show

  Least Successful One-Man Show

  Least Successful Opening

  Least Successful Audience Participation

  Least Successful Animal Act

  Most Disappointing Magic Act

  Worst Broadway Play

  Biggest West End Flop

  Least Convincing Psychic Act

  Least Convincing Psychic Act: Runner-Up

  Least Successful Eulogy

  Least Talented Opera Singer

  Most Accident-Prone Opera Singer

  Least Successful Stage Introduction

  Least Dignified Stage Exit

  Most Self-Deluded Artist

  Rags to Riches . . . to Rags

  Most Embarrassing Oscar Nomination

  Biggest Box-Office Bomb

  Least Successful TV Show

  Worst Film Director

  6 Disorder in Court: Criminal Losers

  Most Inept Executioner

  The Defence Rests . . . in Peace

  Least Accurate Sentencing by a Judge

  Most Inappropriate Summing Up

  Most Inept Wild West Outlaw

  Least Successful Display of Impartiality by a Juror

  Most Incompetent Assassin

  Least Successful Courtroom Defence

  Least Successful Courtroom Defence: Runner-Up

  Most Accommodating Assassination Target

  Least Successful Invocation of God’s Word to Avoid a Motoring Fine

  Least Perceptive Prison Guards

  Least Successful Prison Breakout

  Most Failed Attempts to Kill a Political Leader

  Most Clueless Burglar

  Most Badly Planned Robbery

  Most Badly Planned Robbery: Runner-Up

  Least Profitable Till Raid

  Least Successful Counterfeit Operation

  Least Successful Unfair Dismissal Claim

  7 Quacking Up: Medical Losers

  The Forgotten Man of Medicine

  Least Successful Amputation of a Limb

  Worst Contribution to Medical Science

  Least Credible ’Ology

  Least Successful Attempt to Find a Cure for VD

  Worst Royal Doctor

  Briefest Career in Dentistry

  8 Slower, Lower, Weaker: Great Sporting Losers

  The Phantom of the Open

  Least Successful Attempt to Play a Water Hazard

  Most Expensive Caddie Error

  Worst Choke in Open Golf

  Worst Golf Jinx

  Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Title Fight

  Unluckiest Boxer

  Most Controversial Boxing Defeat

  Least Successful Professional Boxer

  Most Successful Attempt to Shorten a Test Career

  Most Easily Dismissed Batsman

  Worst Bowling Figures

  Most Boring Batsman

  Worst Loss of an Unassailable Lead

  Slowest Racehorse

  Least Successful Race Fix

  Least Successful Horse Race

  Worst Jockey

  Least Successful Racehorse Owner/Breeder

  Least Successful Investment in a Racehorse

  Worst Tennis Player

  Least Successful Interpretation of “Non-Contact Sport”

  Slowest Out of the Blocks

  Chariots of Dire: Worst Olympic Marathons

  Longest Time Taken to Complete an Olympic Marathon

  Worst Olympic Team Performance

  Worst Olympic Track-and-Field Team

  Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity

  Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity: Runner-Up

  Most Generous Use of the Term “Sprinter”

  Worst Professional Football Team

  Least Successful Attempt to Treat an Injured Player

  Worst Goalkeeping Début

  Most Embarrassing Tournament Exit

  We’re Kicking Which Way?

  Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Fixture List

  Most Sensitive Referee

  Five Most Pathetic Excuses for Losing a Game of Football

  Worst Losing Streak as a Football Manager

  Most Expensive Own Goal

  Least Successful Attempt at Keeping Discipline

  Least Successful Impact Substitution

  Sore Losers: Football’s Top Five

  Worst Bullfighter

  Briefest International Rugby Career

  Worst Sailor

  Worst Chess Player

  Worst Wrestler

  When Fighting Nicknames Go Bad

  Least Successful Medal Ceremony

  Worst Olympic Swimmer

  Least Successful Channel Swimmers

  Where Eagles Daren’t

  Ten Gambling Losers

  Ten Most Creative Excuses for Failing a Dope Test

  9 Close, but No Cigar: a Litany of Losers

  Most Failed Election Candidate

  Least Perceptive Electorate

  Least Successful Diplomatic Mission

  Worst Inaugural Speech

  Least Successful Prediction of an Election Outcome

  Least Successful Election Campaign

  Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President

  Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President: Runner-Up

  Most Creative Excuse for Losing an Election

  Shortest Time in Office

  Dead as a “Didus Ineptus”

  Least Convincing Display of Supernatural Powers

  Least Successful Declaration of Independence

  Least Successful Cult

  Briefest Career as a Deity

  Least Successful Attempt to Spot a News Scoop

  Worst Call by an Academic Expert

  Least Successful Missionary

  Strangest Losing Bet

  Least Successful Picnic

  Least Successful Reward Claim

  Egrets, I’ve Had a Few: Shortest Career as a Celebrity Chef

  The End of the World Isn’t Nigh: Ten Failed Apocalyptic Predictions

  Appendix I
:

  Harry Stephen Keeler Bibliography

  Appendix II:

  Selected Poems of Amanda McKittrick Ros

  Appendix III:

  Selected Poems of William Topaz McGonagall

  Appendix IV:

  Extract from The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis

  Further Reading

  Introduction

  In 1682, the French explorer Robert Cavalier La Salle travelled the length of the Mississippi almost entirely by foot all the way to the Gulf of Mexico; he then returned to France a hero, claiming the entire valley for King Louis XIV.

  La Salle’s discovery was a fluke he couldn’t repeat. Two years later, he sailed from France with 280 men, women and children, plus 200 soldiers and sailors, having promised the king that he would establish a colony that would rival the New World riches of Spain. Only this time, when he went back to find the Mississippi, he landed by mistake on the Texas coast – 500 miles west of his intended destination. He and his party tramped thousands of miles on foot looking for the river, hopelessly lost, meanwhile dying of thirst and attacks by marauding Indians.

  La Salle eventually found his way back to his ship, then sailed for Canada, only to get lost again, this time finding himself back in the Gulf of Mexico, then ran his ship aground on a sandbar. He tried to find the Mississippi again on foot but, by this time, his crew – down to 36 from the original 480 – had had enough. They terminated La Salle’s career as an explorer with a bullet to his head, stripped him of his clothing and left him to die where he fell, somewhere in Texas.

  History may be written by the winners, but if you manage to lose in a spectacular or consistent fashion, there’s a good chance you will be remembered, too. Without losers, we wouldn’t have winners. The conquest of Everest wouldn’t have been glorious if someone had skipped to the summit at the first attempt; it was the horribly failed expeditions that came before it that made it special. Many must seek the goal and blow it before the achievement can be called truly heroic.

  When it comes down to it, we aren’t even too fussed about the actual winning; the important thing is to go down fighting. So the death of Captain Scott, who lost not only the race to the South Pole but also failed to get himself and his team back alive, becomes a brave battle of the underdog against the odds. Why do it efficiently and take huskies like Roald Amundsen did when you can take ponies who will drop dead before you do? The important thing is that, in losing, Scott captured the public imagination. As Jonathan Miller’s squadron leader character put it in Beyond the Fringe: “I want you to lay down your life, Perkins . . . we need a futile gesture at this stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war.”

  This book is about those who came close to the pinnacle of their chosen field without quite getting there. The very best, if you will, of the not very good. They are writers who believed in the power of words but spent their entire careers unable to find the right ones; artists and performers who indulged their creative impulse with a passion, if not a sense of the ridiculous, an eye for perspective or the ability to hold down a tune; people who set benchmarks for greatness then failed to follow up; experts who got it spectacularly wrong (take a bow, Lord Kelvin); scientists who had flashes of brilliance only to have them marooned in a vast sea of mediocrity, and others who got painfully close or were just robbed; businessmen who never quite knew when to quit while they were ahead; sportsmen who came close to winning, only for victory to be cruelly snatched away, winning the hearts of the nation along the way for trying very hard, despite being a bit crap.